4 Reasons my life would be better if I was of Asian decent:
1. The food. This is number one because it is most obvious. After years of collecting asian cooking books and perfecting the stir fry or the curry, I still can't help but feel a little bit jealous when I hear about my Asian friend's parents just casually whipping up some delicious char kway teow on a tuesday night for dinner, A dish that I still don't know how to cook.
"Ohh you know, Sorry its not very much food, I just whipped this up a few minutes ago"
2. Body. Biologically speaking, people of Asian decent are generally slim. This is from their lifestyles and healthy (DELICIOUS) diets which in turn have given the majority of people fast, genetically inherited metabolisms. With my hearty Hungarian and American back ground I come from a more "robust" breed. I mean, for fucks sake, one of the countries i am a descendent of is ACTUALLY called Hungary. If I so much as LOOK at a cake I feel the weight pile on. Due to the cold climate and working class background my family have, I am also lucky enough to inherit enough body hair to make me look like i'm the missing link's sister. So it is so unfair to be sitting in a food court in China town surround by smooth skinned, slim girls tucking into their BBQ duck soup with a side of milky sweet taro pearl Easy Way, with a tasty creamy bun from the Chinese bakery down the road as dessert while I glare at my meal of miso soup and assorted LOW FAT sushi and a glass of water while my arm hair practically sweeps along the floor and my moustache acts as a strainer for my miso soup.
Me and my low-fat plate of fruit.
The female world champion competitive eater.
3. They can just "Pull it off" better. This can also be known as the "First time in Japan Syndrome". Last year I was lucky enough to have some friends accompany me on a trip to Japan. This was my third trip, and everyone else's first trip. I feel I am wiser due to my previous trips and mostly avoided catching the dreaded FTIJ Syndrome. Everyone else was less fortunate...
This awful affliction leads to purchasing clothing and accessories that only Japanese girls can "pull off". This includes colourful harem pants, overly adorned stick-on nails, fake glasses, flowing lacey dresses and t-shirts in "Engrish". It's the type of purchase where you can ALMOST get away with it in Japan but once back in Australia you just end up looking like a jackass or a whore (the nails).
Don't get me wrong. I love all these things but I feel it just doesn't look as good on a hairy, mid weight, pale white female as it does on your average Japanese girl. Now I know I said I want to be Asian (speaking generally across the Asian continent but unfortunately I haven't been to any other Asian country yet so my knowledge on this terrible illness only goes as far as Japan. After my trip to Vietnam and Hong Kong, later this year, I will keep you posted if it is contagious throughout the continent.
Yuck... just don't.
4. Travel. Now if I was of Asian decent that would most likely mean I would have family living in my home country. Which also means, free accommodation and a perfectly good excuse to keep travelling there. Pretty obvious. Pretty simple to understand.
Anywho, thats the long (AND SHORT SOUP!!!) of it.
Please, if you are of Asian decent and are reading this, don't for one second think i'm being racist or stereotyping an entire continent (because I realise that I did that a lot in this post, and while it may seem i'm some ignorant asshole who can't tell the difference between Korea and Nepal, I assure you I can. Im just a REALLY bad writer). Just feel sorry for my Wapanese ass and pity the fact that I will never be able to be as good as you.
